In the Back Row

with Allison McKinley © 2005

Wild Child Publishing.com © 2005

Film: Closer

Allison's review in ten words or fewer: Witty repartee, with enough profanity to make a pirate blush.

Grade: B-

Genre: Romance?/Drama
Rating (USA): R
Runtime: 104 Minutes
DVD Release Date (US): 29 March 2005
Starring: Natalie Portman, Julia Roberts, Jude Law, Clive Owen
Director: Mike Nichols
Play/Screenplay: Patrick Marber

* * *

If you enjoy films about people falling in love, about little handicapped children getting their secret wish, about underdogs winning through in the end, look elsewhere.

This is a film about three bitches in heat whose only aspiration is to be the top dog.

Relax. I am not being sexist. Two of these bitches are men. Also, some may feel my rating of 'B minus' is not completely fair, as this is a very well-constructed film. However, I detracted one full rating point for content, as this film presents a very jaundiced view of relationships and life. In addition, it runs a trifle overlong and the atmosphere Mike Nichols creates does not remain constant throughout.

Do you know how a child's soap bubble floating on the breeze can seem so beautiful, yet just one little bubble in your stomach can cause so much distress? That sums up what I felt about 'Closer'. At times it soared through the heavens yielding sheer delight, and at other times I swear it gave me gas. If all relationships were like those depicted here, I would slit my wrists and my throat, and hang myself for good measure. Or become a nun.

One IMDb reviewer gave 'Closer' this accolade: 'I stayed to the end...' Young man, you are brave indeed. I watched through to the end, as well, but I am not certain if that alone constitutes a compliment to this cinematic tour de babel.

The film begins with a slow-motion sequence. Dan (Jude Law) and Alice (Natalie Portman) lock eyes on a crowded London street. Alice, in her state of distraction, and just off the plane from New York, looks left instead of right before crossing the road, stepping directly into the path of a taxi. Now we are up to speed.

Dan, a London writer, sees to it that Alice, self-professed waif and floozy, gets immediate medical attention. Yet, somewhere on the way to hospital--or is it after?--they meander through a park, taking time to browse a 'hall of heroes', where plaques display the names of locals who exhibited bravery by saving others, sometimes at the expense of their own lives.

In the park, Dan offers to share his lunch with Alice. She declines, and the banter begins:

Dan: Didn't fancy my sandwiches?
Alice: Don't eat fish.
Dan: Why not?
Alice: Fish piss in the sea.
Dan: So do children.
Alice: Don't eat children either.

They move in together. Dan is an aspiring novelist--yet in reality he churns out obits for the local newspaper, thus having become a master at euphemisms: He was a convivial fellow (he was an alcoholic). He valued his privacy (he was gay). He enjoyed his privacy (he was a raging queen).

Inspired by Alice, though, Dan finishes his novel. Later, an acquaintance asks Alice about the book:

Larry: So, your bloke wrote a book. Any good?
Alice: Of course.
Larry: It's about you, isn't it?
Alice: Some of me.
Larry: Oh? What did he leave out?
Alice: The truth.

Whilst she is taking his picture for the cover, Dan develops a passion for the photographer, Anna (Julia Roberts). Why not? Anna is drop-dead gorgeous, and... well, tall! She recoils from his advances, however, stating, "You're taken." Still, throughout the remainder of the film, Dan and Anna cross paths and lust for each other, acting upon their desire in moments of weakness (and just about any other time they have a chance). In spite of this ongoing tryst, after Anna meets Larry (Clive Owen), she marries him.

Time frames are not clearly defined in this film, and that is a refreshing element to a point, as the events are far more important than their sequence. Thus, after some unspecified period of marriage, Anna has grown tired of Larry's cavalier attitude, and confronts him.

'You're like the cat who got the cream and you can't stop licking yourself.' With this line, Anna cuts right to the heart of the stuff this film is made of (dominance), and right through Larry's heart.

Nevertheless, Larry thrives on the insult. In fact, Larry, Dan and Anna are emboldened by most of the recriminations that swarm like flies on this screenplay... but not Alice Ayres. She is the angel of mercy come to rescue the three of them like her namesake, but they do not care to be saved. They choose to burn in their own purgatory, wallow in their own filth. Their goal in life seems to be the reaffirmation of their own loathsomeness. These are four articulate people who could hold their own in a conversation with the devil, yet three of them prefer to use their verbal skills to deceive their sexual partners.

You see, Anna, Dan and Larry are sex-driven, and as we get to know them better, we learn the only thing that holds more sway over their puerile development than sex is wielding power.

Now, if you feel that relationships are confrontational, if you look at sex as conquest, if you see amour as war, if every time you make love to someone you are actually raping them in your mind, if you believe that revenge is a dish best served cold... 'Closer' will not disappoint. Bon appetit!

I suppose whether or not you 'get' this film depends upon how you pronounce the title. If you surmise it signifies getting Closer to someone, perhaps you will not understand the choice of the appellation. However, a good huckster knows when to cut and run, and thus the ABCs of sales come down to this: Always Be Closing. In that sense, the four hapless characters in this film are true Closers.

As far as the acting is concerned, this is tough company, and not one of these actors disappoints. The intensity they generate is enough to curl you hair, but none more so than the always-surprising Natalie Portman. Her fervour and her little strip costume will curl your toes!

Only six actors receive credit in this film, and two of those are the cab driver and the customs agent, who have about one line each. So, from the inception, you can imagine that this film is going to be dialogue intensive. It is.

To make that work for what seems like over two hours, though in reality only 104 minutes, director Mike Nichols relies heavily on crack cinematography and expert editing, and he has four fascinating faces to work with. This produces a finished product that is literally a montage of countenances.

But is that enough? The telling line in the film comes from Alice, whilst viewing Anna's photography showing, and you can pretty much allow her abstract to stand as a review of the film itself.

Alice: It's a lie. It's a bunch of sad strangers photographed beautifully, and all the glittering assholes who appreciate art say it's beautiful, 'cause that's what they wanna see. But the people in the photos are sad, and alone. The pictures make the world seem beautiful, so the exhibition is reassuring, which makes it a lie. And everyone loves a big fat lie.

This is not a DVD one would really want to rent and watch alone, and I can imagine that, in a great many instances, couples would end up arguing after seeing it together. I think, perhaps, the ideal audience would be a college workshop on acting technique, writing or cinematography. Or all three. Or perhaps a congregation of nuns at their convent's Friday night film fest to help reaffirm their vows against sexual relations. This should do it!

Even though this film is about sex, Director Nichols depicts not one memorable sex scene; and while apparently our hapless foursome attempt every sexual combination memorialized in graffiti on whorehouse walls or in the Kama Sutra, the one position they all seem to enjoy most is making love behind their partner's back.

If you should pick this DVD up at your local video store, please treat it as you would a loaded weapon. Keep it locked in a cabinet, and remember: This is entirely inappropriate for children under 13 years of age! And I strongly caution adults to use discretion on their own behalf.

'Closer' is not for romantics or the weak of heart.